Dos & Don'ts

Dos and don'ts when reaching out to someone who may have an eating disorder...

Do:

• Speak to the person privately and allow time for a discussion.
• Calmly tell the person all the specific observations that have aroused your concern. You might say, for example: "I have noticed that you have been leaving the table abruptly after every meal."
• Allow the person time to respond. Listen carefully, without being judgmental.
• Ask about problems that may be related to an eating disorder (for example, withdrawing from others). If the information you receive suggests an eating disorder, share with the person that:
  • You think she has a problem with eating (or body image, or exercise).
  • You are concerned about her health and well-being.
  • You feel it would help to be evaluated by a professional who understands eating disorders.
• Know about some of the resources in your school/community to which she can be referred.
• If the person has problems that scare you, immediately tell a qualified professional, physician, nurse, guidance counselor, coach, or teacher. The need for professional intervention is urgent if the person is:
  • Bingeing and throwing up several times per day.
  • Passing out or complaining of chest pains.
  • Complaining of severe stomach ache and/or vomiting blood.
  • Suicidal.
• Try to be a model of self-care in regard to health and relationships.
• Reach out for support as needed through reading, attending family/friend support groups, or seeing a psychotherapist.

Don't:

• Don't speak to a professional without first speaking privately to the person whom you suspect of having an eating disorder (unless the situation is an emergency).
• Don't confront the person with a group of people, even if they are all friends, because it may feel overwhelming and embarrassing.
• Don't threaten or challenge the person.
• Don't be judgmental: don't tell the person that what she is doing is "sick," "crazy," or "stupid."
• Don't give advice about weight loss, exercising, or appearance.
• Don't diagnose or label.
• Don't get into an argument or a battle of wills. Calmly repeat your evidence, your concern, and your strong belief that the person needs to have the problem evaluated. End the conversation if it is going nowhere or if either of you becomes too upset.
• Don't promise to keep what you have observed a secret.
• Don't expect the person to agree with you; don't be too discouraged if she rejects your concern.
• Don't let the person's eating problems take all of your time and energy.