Revenge Against My Body

Question:

I no longer have a problem with body image; I am very comfortable with my body and have been for years. However, my daughter was just stillborn and I feel two things: 1) it was my body's fault and I want revenge against my body, and 2)anorexia has always been primarily an issue of power for me, not necessarily body image. NO ONE can make me eat! It is my only central and unchanging thing in a time of insanity. Would the anorexia be handled in the same manner as for someone with poor body image?

Answer:

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am also concerned about how you are blaming your body for the loss of your daughter and that your feelings about all this may be causing or worsening eating problems.

While there are some common dynamics among people struggling with eating disorders, The Renfrew Center philosophy is that each person is unique. We strive to understand the context and meanings of each woman's struggle and provide a healing environment where women can (re)learn to take good care of themselves. This means identifying and practicing healthy choices in relation to one's body, one's thoughts and feelings and one's relationships.

Already you seem to understand that eating problems are not mainly about food or eating, but reflect emotional issues. For you, a central issue is power/powerlessness which seems to be expressed through not eating. It is not surprising that this longstanding pattern is intensified now. Though you are not troubled by body image concerns, your feelings toward your body do sound very negative when you speak of blaming and seeking revenge.

I recommend that you work with psychotherapist who is also an eating disorder specialist to address the issues of loss, power/powerlessness and your relationship with your body so as to ease the process of healing from this loss. It can be so helpful to talk to someone in person who can help you understand what you are going through and what you need to do to take care of yourself. You can search for a psychotherapist in your area by using one of these links: American Anorexia Bulimia Association, Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention or The Renfrew Center Referral Request Form. If you think that any of The Renfrew Center's services could be helpful to you, please call 1-800-RENFREW and ask for Program Information, Mon-Fri, 9-5, EDT.

You may also want to use the Internet to find information and support about recovery from stillbirth. I found two links: ObGynNet and Bonnie Babies Foundation.