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Is It My Fault?
Question:
My wife of 18 years admitted that she became bulimic 15 years ago
after moving away from her family. Do I take this as my fault and
she will not want to be married to me any more?
Answer:It sounds as though your wife's revelation has surprised and upset
you and shaken up your sense of your marriage. You are not responsible
for her bulimia but you may be able to support her recovery.
You can begin by learning more about eating disorders. Look at
The Renfrew Center's booklist
or Gurze Catalogue
for helpful books and visit the Something
Fishy Website for Eating Disorders and the website of Eating
Disorders and Prevention. These resources offer ideas and information
about the nature of eating disorders and some of the basic cultural,
emotional and medical issues involved in their development and treatment.
At the same time, learn from your wife. It can cause many serious
problems in your relationship if you make assumptions about what
your wife is thinking or feeling. Each person's struggle is unique
and it is very important to respect the individuality of your wife
and her experiences. Developing an understanding of what has been
going on with your wife and her struggle with an eating disorder
from 15 years ago until now is likely to be a complex, difficult,
and lengthy process. I hope you and your wife will be able to be
patient with yourselves and each other so that you can share this
work together and that it is growthful and rewarding for both of
you.
If your wife is not already working with a psychotherapist, I recommend
that she and you find an eating disorder specialist in your area
who can facilitate her recovery. This may involve individual therapy,
marital therapy and/or family therapy with her family of origin,
group therapy as well as collaborating with a physician, psychiatrist
and/or nutritionist. Something Fishy Website for Eating Disorders,
EDAP and The Renfrew Center have listings of eating disorder specialists
from around the country.
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