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I Miss the Hospital
Question:
Hi, I am 21 years old and bulimarexic. I have been inpatient numerous
times, the last being in December of 99. Since then my symptoms
have been pretty dormant. I hardly act on them at all. But I am
having a problem...I miss being in the hospital!! It sounds stupid
but I miss being taken care of, being sick and feeling safe. I just
want to know if this is "normal?" I feel like I am torn
between urges to continue in recovery and become sick again.
Answer:
Thank you so much for your letter. It sounds as though you have
had a long and intense struggle with your eating disorder. It is
good to hear that with all the work you have been doing in your
recovery, in hospital programs and afterward, you rarely need to
turn to your symptoms to manage your feelings.
Many hospital and residential treatment programs, like The Renfrew
Center, strive to create a therapeutic community where your deepest,
truest self is valued and honored and where healthy growth is inspired
and supported. Your longing for the safety and comfort of such an
environment is very understandable. While recovery is about developing
strengths, it does not mean that you no longer have needs. So yes,
it is “normal” to want to be cared for and a person should
not have to be sick to get attention and reassurance.
Many women who have been in residential treatment at The Renfrew
Center say they experienced a quality of relationship that they
had never felt before. To maintain and build upon the healing changes
of an inpatient treatment one must transfer new beliefs, feelings
and skills into one’s ongoing life. Clearly you have done this
in many ways. Perhaps a next step in your journey of recovery is
to work on relationship issues. See if you can develop the kind
of relationships you remember from the hospital with people in your
present life. I hope you are able to create relationships where
you feel safe enough to confide your vulnerabilities and express
your needs for care so that you do not feel the urge to become sick.
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