I'm Recovering but I Worry About My Mom

Question:

About 3 years ago I was hospitalized for an eating disorder-anorexia. I am pretty much fully recovered. The only problem is my mother.

I still get so worried about what I eat and how much I'm eating and my mother just makes it worse. She barely ever seems to eat and everything in our house is reduced fat or fat-free. Anytime I find something that's low in fat that she didn't know about she starts eating it too. I try and confront her and tell her that I think she's not eating enough, but she get really mad and doesn't listen to me. She isn't terribly thin, but she's thin. She spends a lot of time exercising. Usually 2 hours a day. It's especially hard for me because I feel like I'm eating so much compared to her and I feel like a failure. She even tries to give me diet tips.

I've tried to tell my dad about this, but he always changes the subject. I just don't know what else to do. I can't try and stay healthy and eat well when my mom is constantly dieting. Do you have any advice? What can I do? I'm really worried my mom might have a problem.

Answer:

First of all, I want to acknowledge your strength and courage in recovering from anorexia. We live in a culture where many features of eating disorders, such as preoccupation with food, weight and body image are common, almost "normal", especially among women. This can make it feel very lonely and difficult to continue to choose life and health, with all their rich complexities, instead of the over-simplifying focus on food and exercise. It seems like it is especially upsetting to have someone as close and important to you as your mother caught up in the ways of thinking and feeling you have worked so hard to understand and change in your own life.

It sounds as though you are living with your parents and that you have not felt effective in expressing your feelings to either your mother or your father. Being able to say what you need to say and feel heard is usually such an important aspect of recovery from an eating disorder that I hope that you and your parents will be able to work on this to enhance all
aspects of your relationship. Family therapy can be very helpful in improving communication and may be a good resource for you in your situation.

There are two aspects to your dilemma: your worries about your mother's eating/exercise/health issues and your concern for your own struggle with and recovery from an eating disorder, and both need to be addressed. With or without professional help, I suggest that you set aside time with each of your parents, individually or together, to talk in an honest caring way about what is worrying you about your mother's behavior. At the same time you can share what impact your mother's comments and behaviors have on you and your recovery. Be as specific as you can, for example, "when you give me a diet tip, I feel . . . . ".

Please be careful about your expectations for results from such a conversation. Although the concern of loved ones is often mentioned as the reason for seeking treatment, someone who is actively involved with an eating problem may have difficulty responding to feedback about these issues. If your mother again becomes angry or upset, remember that you are sharing the truth of your experience and perhaps planting a seed. It will
probably be most helpful for you to concentrate on what you need to deal with and heal from your eating disorder. Talk with your parents about what helps you to make good choices for your health.

It also sounds as though you need more support in addition to your family to maintain your commitment to recovery from anorexia. Are you involved in therapy? Are you in a therapy or support group for people in recovery? Do you have friends or other healthy role-models who are aware of the dangers of looking to dieting and exercise as a solution to life's challenges? I encourage you to develop your support system so that you can think about yourself as the precious individual you are rather than comparing yourself to your mother or anyone else. The validation offered by people who share your perspective and insights about eating disordered thinking and behavior can be so valuable as you make choices for yourself day by day.