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Coping with Life After Renfrew
Question:
I don't know if this is an appropriate place to ask this question,
but I'm turning to Renfrew since I was a patient in Philadelphia
a couple of months ago for compulsive overeating, and it was an
intense, life-changing experience. I don't regret it for a moment.
My life has changed a tremendous amount since I left, partially
because of the experience, and I'd like some encouragement since
it seems the only people who fully understood me were the people
at Renfrew.
While I was a patient, my (then) boyfriend was very unsupportive,
telling me I didn't belong there, I didn't have a problem, he didn't
know if he knew me, etc. He was essentially freaked out by the experience
of coming for a session & seeing people with all sorts of issues/body
sizes, and it made him uncomfortable. After I came home he was equally
unsupportive and avoided me (we lived together!), so after a blow-up
I decided to leave. I lived with a friend for a month until I got
a new place & now I'm back to living by myself again, with a
lot bigger rent check! I also have had a terrible time with my job,
both before and after Renfrew, and I'm on the brink of being put
on probation/laid off/fired. I'm sometimes an emotional basket case,
feeling like there's nothing in my life that is simple or familiar,
and I'm trying not to eat emotionally at the same time! I'm succeeding,
and in fact I'm probably a little too much in "diet head"
than I should be, so I'm headed back to a nutritionist.
I would just like some reinforcement that I'm doing the things
I need to do, and losing an unsupportive boyfriend and a lousy job,
even if they let me go, is okay. I can still do this and come out
on the other side. Thank you for your time.
Answer:
Thank you so much for your words of appreciation of your experience
at The Renfrew Center. It means a lot to us to know hear that your
intense work with us has made such a difference for you.
I am posting your letter because I believe it is so important to
share stories of recovery and because the dilemmas you describe
so well involve some of the common challenges of the recovery process.
First of all, I want to applaud you. It sounds as though you have
been staying in touch with your own experience of difficult situations
and relationships and you have been making decisions to take care
of yourself. You recognize that your relationship with food needs
more support to remain healthy and you are reaching out to a nutritionist.
Bravo!
You say that your new life does not feel simple or familiar. This
is one of the most stressful consequences of choosing recovery.
An eating disorder simplifies the upsetting complexities of life
into food, weight, and/or body image issues. So many different troubling
feelings and such a variety of relationship problems, can be managed
or masked by focusing on when and what to eat or not eat, calories,
fat grams, pants sizes, etc. It can be terribly painful, but it
becomes familiar and it is, in a way, simpler than figuring out
what to do about an unsupportive boyfriend, finding a new living
situation or figuring out what to do about an uncomfortable job.
When you turn to an eating disorder, however, you do not resolve
your underlying problems, so the need for your symptoms continues.
The eating disorder provides familiarity but not real solutions.
When you face the difficulties of your relationship, living situation
and work life without eating emotionally, it is not surprising that
you find yourself with a basketful of emotions. These sound to me
like real feelings about real problems. Being in touch with them
allows you to do something about them, as you have been doing.
I hope that you are involved in ongoing therapy to help you hold
and explore your basket full of emotions and that you are able to
reach out in other relationships for understanding, validation and
companionship on your journey. When you say that the people at Renfrew
fully understood you, I assume you are referring not only to members
of our staff but also to the healing community which is the centerpiece
of our treatment philosophy. Connecting with women who have chosen
to face and fight their problems and to reach out for help can be
so valuable. You may be able to find similar resources in a support
group in your community or you may need to develop new friendships
or learn new ways of being in existing relationships to support
you in your growth and new life.
It sounds to me as though you are staying connected with yourself
and working hard to maintain and continue your recovery. Along the
way you have had to let go of many things, not just your old boyfriend
and perhaps your job, but also many habits of mind and heart. This
makes room for new thoughts, new feelings, new habits, new relationships
and all kinds of new possibilities. My hope is that in time, treating
yourself well and knowing that you deserve respect, support and
fairness will become more and more familiar to you. I also hope
that as you gain confidence and strength, you will become more comfortable
with the inevitability of change and maybe even be able to enjoy
some of life's unpredictability and complexity.
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