A Setback In My Recovery
Question:
I had anorexia for most of my life. However, I feel like I got
over it completely for 5 years. I could handle life, and weight
didn't matter. Now I am going through an extremely difficult period
in my life. Despite all the treatments, and hospitalizations, and
knowing what to do (eat), I do not see myself getting out of this
one or wanting to at times. I know I am getting to the danger zone
because the ED has control. I try to fight it, but I feel it is
a losing battle, because I want it to win. I also have a thin shred
that wants my normal life back. How can I keep that shred alive??
It's so hard to see sometimes.
I am in counseling, and just got out of the hospital-too early.
I don't want to go back to the hospital and I'm afraid to ask for
help that I know I desperately need.
Ashamed, Guilty, and Confused
Answer:
The journey of recovery from an eating disorder can be long and
difficult and often includes serious setbacks as you are experiencing
now. You know that you can conquer anorexia because you have done
it before. It is so inspiring to hear that in spite of many years
of suffering, you were fully recovered for five years, free of concerns
about weight. Remembering your former freedom will help you turn
that shred of hope into a lifeline toward recovery.
Your eating disorder is affecting not only your relationship with
food but also your relationship with yourself. Shame, guilt and
confusion about basic needs for love, help, support and self-expression
are hallmarks of eating disorders and perpetuate relapses. I encourage
you to pay attention to your own experiences of struggle and connect
with your past recovery. This can help you to find the courage to
risk continuing to reach out and ask for the help that you know
you need. Perhaps increasing the frequency of your therapy sessions,
participating in a group, or intensive outpatient program or even
returning to the hospital will enable you to resume your recovery
on a more solid footing.
You do not describe what is extremely difficult in this period
of your life besides the eating disorder. It may be that events
or circumstances overwhelmed your ability to handle life and you
turned to a familiar and problematic coping mechanism. You are aware
that to get out of the danger zone you need to eat. I hope you are
able to make enough changes in your eating that your therapy does
not have to focus completely on your physical/medical issues. Exploring
why you needed to return to anorexia and how you could take care
of your needs in other ways, may help you get back to dealing with
life in a healthier way.
I often think of one of the slogans of Eating
Disorders Awareness and Prevention, "Don't Weigh Your Self-Esteem,
It's What's Inside That Counts." I hope you are able to recall
that your weight is not what is important about you, and redevelop
the conviction that you and your well-being do matter.
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