Why Is It Anyone's Business?

Question:

I have always been heavy, never obese, but I have never been skinny. For the last few years I have tried many different diets and nothing really worked. Recently I have been experiencing some moderate weight loss, I am eating normally, I have just begun to exercise more. I weigh myself everyday, and wish that I was thin.

Friends of mine took me to a counselor because they thought that I had an eating disorder. I cannot convince them that I don't. I don't want to lose my friends, but they watch me all the time like I am a criminal. I am happy that I have finally lost some weight but people seem to think it's a crime, I don't know how to tell them that I don't have a problem and to let me live my own life.

Answer:

You sound very frustrated with your friends' persistent worry that you have an eating disorder. You also raise the very delicate issue of whose business is it, how your eating, exercise, and weight may have changed. Who decides when it is a problem? After all, it is your body and you really are an authority about what is right or comfortable for your own body. At the same time, unfortunately, one of the symptoms of an eating disorder is distortion or denial about eating disorder symptoms, such as weight loss, excessive exercise and drive for thinness.

You have already seen a counselor and perhaps it would be helpful to continue to work with her/him or to consult an eating disorder specialist or a physician to get some additional objective feedback about your eating, exercise, weight and health.

Your friendships seem to be strained by this disagreement about whether you have an eating problem. It is a shame when a person's relationships with the caring people in her/his life become overly focused on eating and weight issues. It can lead to power struggles, cat and mouse games, mutual feelings of mistrust, and increasing isolation for the person suspected of having an eating disorder.

I suggest that you and your friends remember to talk about non-food/weight/exercise topics and feelings. Are you sharing what is going on with your family life? Your social life? Your thoughts and hopes about your future? When you and your friends are able to restore a sense of connection, understanding and support around these and other dimensions of life, you will probably have an easier time dealing with the issue of their concerns about you.