Should Weight Matter in a Relationship???

Question:

I saw your ad on AOL re: asking questions about weight. I have a question for you regarding a problem that has been rather distressing to me for the past few months. I am a 25 year old female grad student and I was recently engaged. My fiancee and I are both very committed Christians, and have a tremendous number of things in common. Our backgrounds are very similar, we enjoy the same things, and most importantly, our morals are very much "in sync." We are hopelessly and deeply in love (still in the honeymoon phase, I guess you would say! :) So far, so good...

Two months ago, however, after he proposed, he told me he wanted me to lose weight. I am approximately 60 lbs overweight, but we had never discussed this issue previously. I always assumed that the weight didn't bother him as he never brought up the issue before (we've been together for 8 months). He is thin himself and has never had a weight problem. His statement alarms me, however, because I am concerned that he will somehow turn into the "food police" (although he hasn't been this way in the past) and that I will be scared of gaining weight for the rest of my life. I did ask him "What if I never lose weight?" He said that it "wouldn't matter." He loves me "unconditionally" and he didn't wait for me to lose weight to propose to me, therefore this must prove that he loves me as I am. He says that it is not an "ultimatum" or a "challenge," he just would like to see me change in a given area, that's all. Given that we do have so many other things going for us, and I am utterly and hopelessly in love with him, I really want to work this through. But my question for you is this: Is this "my problem" as I am hyper-sensitive to weight issues (I come from an entire family of overweight individuals), and simply something I need to "work though" myself in therapy, OR is this something to really be concerned about as a potentially harmful aspect to our marriage???

I am also concerned about the fact that I am really afraid of being naked in front of him now. (Because we are Christians, we are waiting until we get married to have sex.) I am afraid that he will judge me or disapprove of me, and that would be devastating to me. I have had intimate relationships in the past, and have always felt secure about sharing my body. But my previous boyfriends have never commented on my weight, so while I personally have always wanted to lose weight, I have never felt it was a hindering issue in any of my previous relationships. I don't know that I will ever be able to get the thought out of my head that he wants me to lose weight while we are making love. I am currently on the Weight Watchers program, but am finding it even MORE difficult to lose weight now, since he told me this, than I have found it to lose weight in the past. To compound matters, he is currently in the Reserves and stationed far away Thus we really don't have much opportunity of discussing this matter, but I am finding that I am feeling extremely pressured to lose weight while he is gone (although he has never said anything to this effect.)

In one sense, I feel angry and upset that he feels this way. If he truly loves me, then why can't he realize that some things are better left unsaid??? I am afraid that this will be an issue that will haunt me for the rest of my life. When we have kids and I gain weight, is he going to be repulsed by me? He says no, but then why did he bring up the matter at all??? It must mean something to him.

On the other hand, I also feel as if I may be making too much of an ordeal over this issue (in light of all the other positive aspects about our relationship), and that maybe it is just "my problem" as I stated above, and something I need to work through myself (with his support, of course). I am afraid that I may be "projecting" my greatest fears on to him, as though he will become the "food poilce" and will be overly critical of me, even though he has not shown me any outward signs of such behavior.

Whew---that was a handful! So, what do you think? <Ah---the eternal question!!! ;-) LOL Thank you for your time in reading this.

Take care & God Bless ;)

Answer:

You express your dilemma with your fiancé very eloquently. There certainly are people who impose their own food and body image issues onto others with painful and negative consequences (e.g., becoming "the food police"). Sometimes hyper-sensitivity to food issues turns an innocent comment into a judgement. At times, someone’s concern about someone else’s weight can be an expression of other problems in the relationship. The open communication between you and your fiancé has allowed both of you to begin to express feelings about these sensitive topics and I hope you will continue to work together to develop a mutual understanding of these issues so that they do not haunt your future relationship.

Food, weight and appearance have meanings for each of us. It is hard enough for most people to sort out their own myriad feelings, assumptions and fantasies and even more complicated for you to distinguish between your concerns about your weight and eating patterns and your fiancé‘s. For example, you mention that you have always wanted to lose weight even when none of your prior boyfriends was concerned about it. Always wanting to lose weight is can be a frustrating place to be. Trying to lose weight leads many people to develop negative feelings about themselves and insecurities about their appearance partly because, on the whole, dieting does not work in the long run. I wonder how always wanting to lose weight has effected you.

Your fiancé’s comment seems to have stimulated conflicts you may have had within yourself about whether weight does or should matter to you or to others. The best way to assess whether it is your individual issue or a relationship issue would be for you to clarify how you yourself feel about your body and weight-related behaviors. Working with a psychotherapist may be very helpful. This time of separation may be a blessing as it gives you a chance to explore your hopes and fears around dieting, sexuality, childbearing and aging. You may also want to think about the messages you have received from family, friends, schoolmates, colleagues and romantic partners, specifically what has been helpful and what has been hurtful. As you develop a better understanding of your struggles, vulnerabilities and needs around food, weight and body image issues, you will be more able to ask for the support you want and to recognize if or when related conflicts reflect your problems or your fiancé’s.

In the course of a marriage a great many conflicts about all kinds of issues are likely to arise over the years. (Again psychotherapy can be very helpful to couples dealing with difficult times). You are setting off on a good basis if you are able to develop respectful, trusting communication through which to discuss your feelings and differences. Perhaps your faith can help you stay focused on things that really matter.

I wish you the best of luck.