Ashamed of Secrets

Question:

I am 16 years old and I have been struggling with food for about three years now. I usually don't eat anything until about 3:00, and I usually have a sandwhich. Then I throw it up. When I am bad and eat more, then I also make myself sick. It seems like any time I eat, whether it be small or big, I have to throw up. I just want to loose weight so bad, I will do anything. I also want to die most of the time and I think I have tried to kill myself once. I don't know what to do because no one knows about me. My parents amd my friends have no clue about what is going on. Sometimes I wish I could tell someone and get help, but I just can't let myself tell anyone. I am ashamed and don't think that I deserve help. I'm not sure if you can help me, but at least I tried.

--Gshb

Answer:

You have the right idea when you say you wish you could tell someone what is going on with you and get help. Reaching out online is one step, and you need to continue this process by taking the risk of opening up to someone in your life who you know cares about you. Please tell someone about your feelings, especially about how you often feel you want to die. This can be difficult but it is very important.

You may be afraid to talk to anyone because you do not know what will happen. At the same time you do know that what you are going through now is terrible, and you have to do something, you need to get help. If your parents aren't the first people you talk to about this, ultimately, you will probably need to let them know something about what you are going through so that they can support you in getting help from a professional psychotherapist. You do deserve help, and you need to get professional help. So you do need to continue to reach out so you don't have to try to deal with everything alone.

It sounds as though the struggles you are dealing with, with food, not eating, eating and throwing up, have become overwhelming. The shame you feel about these issues adds to your pain. Keeping this a secret adds another burden of stress. You may not want to tell your parents or your friends all of the things that are troubling you, of course, and you do not need to tell them everything. You can talk about the things that trouble you in the privacy of a confidential relationship with a therapist who can help you. That is one reason it is so important that you get professional help.

You are not alone. So many people who suffer with eating disorders share the pain of intense shame and carry the heavy burden of secrecy. I hope that at some point you will have the opportunity to participate in a therapy group. Over and over again people have told me how much it has helped them to share their experiences with others who have had similar struggles.

In the meantime, reach out for help ASAP. You can search the Treatment Locator to find a therapist in your area. You may also want to contact Eating Disorder Organizations. There is also a very helpful website devoted to eating disorder issues called Something Fishy.

Remember you are worth it and do reach out.