My Family and My Recovery

Question:

I am 30, and have battled with eating disorders on and off for about 12 years. I have been going to therapy and doing better lately. My question is, do you think that it will be necessary to discuss this with my family in order to have a complete recovery? They have never broached the subject with me -- even when my weight was dangerously low. They make comments about how I never eat, but have never really understood, or didn't want to understand, that it goes so much deeper than that. I don't really want to have the conversation with them, because I feel like I would be placing blame, and they are really wonderful people. But sometimes I am angry, and want them to know how hard it has been for me. The problem is that once I say it I can never go back. I see my family often, and we get along very well, but I don't know if I am ready for such an intimate relationship with them. Will recovery really be possible if I just deal out my family issues in therapy and move on?

Answer:

What a difficult dilemma you are facing. It sounds as though you have made great progress in your battle with your eating disorder without the support of your family. You have come to understand that the issues go much deeper than food, weight and body image. I cannot give you a simple yes or no answer but I offer you these thoughts about your question.

Some families are not able to deal with the many feelings that come up when an eating disorder is disclosed. For other families, facing the reality and meanings of an eating disorder brings profound healing and growth to all members. I wonder how your family's lack of intimacy and lack of involvement in, and understanding of, your struggle and recovery effects you? How are issues of vulnerability, imperfection or disappointment handled in your family? How do you express and cope with the anger and vulnerability you feel in relation to your family?

If you decide to talk to members of your family, you may want to begin by telling them why you are disclosing your struggle to them and what you hope to gain from this communication. Your concern about blaming seems to be one of the things that keeps you from being more open with your family. It may be that you or members of your family suffer from black and white thinking so that a specific problem (yours or theirs) is interpreted as a total failure. It is sometimes difficult to find a way to talk about problems and pain without looking for someone to blame. Yet blaming oversimplifies the complexity of relationships. Often, having someone simply listen to and acknowledge your experience without looking for "the bad guy" or for "the answer" is the beginning of a healing process.

I wish you all the best in making a choice that is right for you.