If I Would Just Lose the Weight
Question:
I am clearly overweight, I know I need to lose a substantial amount
of weight. I am so consumed with this issue that I find myself totally
believing that "I will be Ok" when I get back to the size/weight
I used to be.
I am blessed with very good looks & my family & friends
remind me how pretty I am and if I would just lose that weight.
I feel sometimes, there is me (in there somewhere) and then there
is my weight.
I have been seeing a guy off/on who was about 65 lbs. overweight
and he lost 40. Last August he told me he clearly knew he would
want to make a commitment to me, to get married, if I didn't have
the weight on me. I was shocked/hurt, etc. and was amazed that a
former overweight person was saying that. I thanked him for his
honesty and have been trying to manage this issue.
I have come to the realization that I certainly do have compulsive
eating tendencies and can not tell you why I am unable to separate
my intelligence from the emotional part, because I know I shouldn't
overeat. I am working out 3-4 times/wk and being very successful
with that, and as a former ballerina & gymnast for 20+ yrs,
it comes easy, but the weight is like a ton of steel hanging over
my head by a tiny thread. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you.
Answer:
Your description of your situation is so vivid, I am sure it will
resonate with others. Many people are spellbound by the belief that
if only their weight was what they want it to be (or what others
want it to be), everything in their lives would be fine. Tremendous
amounts of energy, especially emotional energy, get focused on weight
loss as a goal. This leaves fewer resources available for other
goals which might actually have more to do with improving happiness
or satisfaction. Paradoxically, seeking the feeling of being okay
through weight loss can sometimes make people more insecure and
unhappy than ever.
You write of separations, yourself and your weight, your intelligence
and your emotional part. I suggest you explore the feeling of distance
from your body and the desire to distance your mind from your heart.
My guess is that your body and your emotions have important messages
for you to understand. Willpower, or "knowing you shouldn't",
hasn't helped with your compulsive eating so you may want to try
curiosity about and compassion for the issues and feelings related
to food, weight, body image and your identity. Through patient attention
and/or psychotherapy, you may begin to decipher what your relationships
with your body and food (and other people) are about.
The guy you have been seeing and the family and friends who remind
you "if only you would just lose . . . " present an intense
dilemma. It sounds as though you very much want their whole-hearted
love - we all need some of that. At the same time, you probably
have feelings about the buts: "I love you but . . .",
"you're so pretty but . . . ", the conditions attached
to their approval. Here a bit of separation may be helpful to you.
See if you can distinguish between your own experience of and feelings
about your body and the reactions and feedback of others.
I hope you will be able to call on the inner faith and strength
that powered your dance and gymnastics to transform that ton of
steel you feel hanging over you. Perhaps you can step away from
it, stop holding it up with your fear of it, let it fall to the
ground where you can see it for what it is, leap from it, dance
on it, or gracefully step over it as you continue your journey of
self-discovery.
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