My Eating Disorder Makes Me Feel Special

Question:

I'm an 18 yr. old college student. I was anorexic and hospitalized for it over a year ago. Now I am bulimic. I am very scared because I want to get better but i'm afraid to because I feel like this ED makes me special, it's my identity, and no one will notice me otherwise. I know it sounds weird, but i didn't throw up today and I'm scared that if I stop and get better that I have lost a big part of me that I won't be able to live without. Sometimes I think this ED is me! Make sense? Please help me and offer any advice. Thanks

Answer:

It is scary to feel that you have become your eating disorder, and truly sad to think that no one would notice you without it. The focus on food weight, dieting, body image and symptomatic behaviors may take up so much of your energy and feelings that you yourself have forgotten what is special about you. Your eating disorder also seems to have become the focus of your relationships and you worry that you will lose your connection to other people if you get better.

I think it is important to remind yourself that you are not an anorexic or a bulimic, you are a person struggling with an eating disorder. The eating disorder can serve to block out negative feelings and experiences but also can cover up good feelings like your sense of uniqueness and personality, your hopes, strengths and values. I hope that with the help of a psychotherapist and other caring people in your life, you are able to continue to challenge your eating disorder and discover and rediscover the special person you are. Learning to take good care of yourself will also allow you to develop new kinds of relationships based on your tastes, interests and fun activities rather than your struggle with an eating disorder.

You have already made great strides in recovery, getting involved in therapy, exploring what your eating disorder means to you and risking giving up your symptoms. I wish you all the best in your continuing journey.