A Concerned Boyfriend
Question:
Hi i am just writting to you because i am very concerned about
my girlfriend, she is eating so little and she admitted it to me
that she has an eating dissorder, but the is that she is already
going to a specialist, but she bs's him. She is always saying that
she is fat, everybody is looking at her (mean while no one is),
she is going to the gym for about 2 hours a day and she eats jack,
nothing at all.
I would like to know how l should handle this situation, i have
not been in this kind of relasionship before, what should i do and
what can i say to her to make her feel beautiful. She says she hates
herself, why? Please can you help me i need to know what to do!
Thank you very much for your time.
Answer:
It sounds as though you are struggling with one of the most difficult
aspects of an eating disorder, that is, the differences between
your girlfriend's experience, or her reality, and your experience,
your reality. Listening, just listening, is on just about every
list of what to do to help someone who is struggling with an eating
disorder, but it can be so frustrating to hear someone saying and
believing things that you know are not true.
Although eating disorders seem to be about food, weight and appearance,
the symptoms are actually a person's way of trying to handle pain
and other emotional problems. Thus it is more helpful to talk or
ask about feelings and what kind of stress might be going on than
to focus on eating, exercising and looks. You will probably have
better luck if you concentrate on trying to show your girlfriend
that you care about her, than if you try to make her feel beautiful.
Your girlfriend is acknowledging to you that she has an eating
disorder and she is working with a specialist - these are two basic
and very good things. It is hard to tell about the quality and effectiveness
of a person's relationship with their therapist from the outside.
One of the challenges of psychotherapy is to be as honest and direct
as possible, and generally speaking, the more honest and direct
someone can be, the more the therapy can be helpful. You may want
to ask your girlfriend whether she feels she is able to be open
with her therapist. If she does not feel able to be open with her
therapist, it is important for her to explore and address the reasons
why, whether that means working on this issue with her current therapist,
or finding a new therapist she feels more comfortable with.
Recovery from an eating disorder is usually a long and complex
process. Your caring, encouragement and support can make a difference,
but your girlfriend is the one to make the choices and do the work
of change and growth. Along the way, you may need or benefit from
support or therapy for yourself. Check with with Treatment Resources
for Eating Disorders to see if there are any groups for family and
friends of people with eating disorders in your area.
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